And there I was 26 years old with NO direction in my life. Having just recently quit nursing school AND my job....living in a tiny apartment that should be full of kids, 5, to be exact. But there I sit, blankly, staring at the wall. So, depressed that I go everywhere, looking for love. You get tired of carrying the broken pieces of yourself, crying out, love me...love me. You feel as though no one can love you, because the people who should have loved you....have taken the only thing you ever want in life, a family. Why should is it so hard to find and have your own family? I try to look on the bright side, to stay positive. But how? There is NOTHING left. My mind is great, but it is being terribly poisoned. There is nothing left inside but sorrow. I put my fake happy face on and trod through the day.
The-rapist says, "Take some pills, they will help you feel more normal." They diagnosed me with Bi Polar about 4 months ago and I finally agreed to take some medicine. But soon the medicine didn't work and it got acclimated to my system and I needed more to feel "normal." I quit taking them, quit school, and work. How is a pill going to bring back my kids? How is a pill going to make the family that raised me, finally accept me as their own? It won't. How will a pill make things "all better?" Let's not put a band-aid on a gaping wound and call it better. There is no amount of therapy or talking to make it all better. The past month or so, I have tried to look at things from a different perspective. I have tried to only see the positive. But I am tired. I am so broken.
Just once, I want to find the lover who loves me as I love...freely and unashamed. Just once to find the friend that will stick by me and save me when I need saving. You can't let people in. People just use everything against you. You are the hardest judge of yourself. Some days I feel like dying...just cry so much and ask God or "whoever is listening" to have mercy and take me. I just can't go on like this.
Some people dream of being doctors, fireman, lawyers, nurses, etc. All I ever dreamed of, from the time I was young was to be a mother and a wife. I wanted to have Holiday traditions with my children, like every year we string pop corn and make cookies and moms. I wanted to be the emotional support of my man and the soccer mom to our kids. One boy, one girl...little while picket fence and all. I didn't think it was such a big dream.
I wasn't accepted by my adopted family growing up.... These are our children and we adopted "that one." I didn't know what that meant other than I was different and not the same. I would soon grow to know just how unaccepted I am. Sometimes I wish my life was one made up bad dream. I am waiting to wake up from.
Instead of helping me at 17...it was better for you to take my son from me. Even though I was working, going to school, and had my own apartment. The one piece to my dream I had and was working to keep...you tricked me and you stole from me. Why? You keep telling me... "Your sister deserved a son." But was I not worthy? Was I not your child? You saw me struggle and you kicked my face into the dirt. Never reached a hand down to me. I was raped at a party and told you, looking for comfort from my shame. You said it was my fault for drinking. I was so depressed because YOU stole my son. You STOLE my life. YOU stole my happiness....and I was too young to stop YOU. You knew I wasn't strong enough to fight you, to be enlightened to know the truth.
But yes, you are a Christian...a holy rolling Pentecostal, God fearing woman. You used religion and God to try to scare me into doing what you wanted me to do. Even now, you tell me I should just go on assistance and not work, because I can't amount to anything.
The worst part in all of this.. YOU will use this rant to make people feel sorry for you. YOU will not accept responsibility for your own actions. YOU were not a mother to me. YOU helped your real/blood daughter and her husband with her kids for many years and the moment I need help, you take from me. Destroying me from the inside. YOU never feel sorry for what you have done to me or how YOU have made me feel. Because I am not real to YOU. I am not your blood, your flesh. I don't look like you. Why did you adopt me? To show me off to your little church friends? Wasn't I just so cute and you "saved" me from the system. Yes, YOU are a saint. I am so excited for you to meet your Jesus. He will be so proud of you.
Why am I so spiteful and hateful? I thought I put it in a place where I could deal with it. BUT I am done pretending. I am done acting and trying to make you love me. You will NEVER love me, because you do NOT love yourself. I am sorry that you HATE yourself and for all the things you went through. You can take everything from me, BUT YOU CAN NEVER KNOW LOVE.
~~~~I don't feel good making people feel bad or hurt, BUT I can not keep it inside. It can stay on this screen, so the negativity gets out of me. Because YOU no longer CONTROL me. I am off to find love.
